Honky Tonk Field Trip

I was tawkin' to Iola, Zimmi, and da famous Dwarvian brown Alemiester, Dolgan Elfbane, the other day about Texas and the good times to be had there. As the subject got around to the various kinds of brew in the world it quite naturally took a turn to our famous Texas Honky Tonks. As I extolled the virtures of Tecate, Bohemia, Lone Star and various other brews, they thought it would be a good idea for a little 'field trip' down Texas way. They just HAD to visit a typical Texas honky tonk.

Now I warned them, if they wanted a TYPICAL honky tonk it would not be anything like the famous Billy Bobs in Ft. Worth. They be famous for a bunch of vicious mechanical bulls to be ridden while wasted on Bohemia or Tecate and for the gigantic dance floor. If they want typical then I have jest the place for a little trip. We are tawkin' hard core honky tonks now. The Dew Drop Inn. That's the place!!

Anyhow, off we went and I tell you I made them leave their armor behind. Less luggage makes for an easier flight. I could only fly with three and they better not tickle me enroute. I kinda suspected da Elfbane had a keg or two hidden on him. 

I do say though, some people you can't take anywhere! Those three fought the whole way. It was, "Make him move over." "She is hoggin' all the room." "He's touchin' me." And they kept arguing about who was gonna be on top. Now da Eagle is NOT a griffin. There ain't a whole heck of a lot of room on MY back!! It was a good flight except da Elfbane kept dropping his empty kegs on the poor Lone Star citizens below. I swear I think I saw them licking the smashed kegs!!

Finally arriving at the door to the Dew Drop Inn I am afraid they might have been a little disappointed. As I told em before we came, it is rather small, but has all the necessary amenities needed for a good honky tonk. 

Iola needed to go to the little girls room which was the one out back with the little half moon on the door. I shoulda warned her, but just as she sat down to get a little relief all the walls fell down!!! The owner uses that as his opening act with lights, cameras and rigged walls. I tell you, she was PO'd!! I flew to the roof for cover till she cooled down. But the bright lights got to her and before you knew it she was doing some down home singing, dancin' and magic for the folks. She was a real hit. I think it was her wand that won em ovah. They thought it was a cow prod and she just had to be a down home gal!! Either that or they were hoping for a little prodding from her personally. No tellin' what those silly sticks can conjure up.

Then we went inside. Kinda crowded but hey we like to dance close in Texas. No room for a mechanical bull cause they are just too dang expensive to buy and keep up. They eat oil like they own a oil well or sumpin'. They do have a ADHD mechanical cow though. You don't ride it. You try to milk it. That isn't as easy as it may sound. Ask Dolgan because after a case of Tecate he tried. That mechanical cow first slapped him awinding with its tail then kicked him clear to El Paso. He was done for this trip. We had to pick him up on the way back.

Well, close dancing is hard and when the crowd gets too big then they turn up the volume on the music, throw open all the windows and move it out to the parking lot. For line dancing we have to rope off the Interstate Highway out front. After a few line dances Iola was up doing a table dance. The whole Sheriffs department got word and came by to watch! They sat there droolin' and keepin' an eye on that stick. I think they wanted to ask if she and Zimmi were licensed to 'pack' but the show was so dad blamed good they didn't want it to stop!! Zimmi was being twirled around and around by at least a dozen guys. Couldn't tell if she was dizzy or three sheets to the wind.

Betcha can't guess which one is Zimmi and which is Iola!!

Well the adventure could go on and on, but to make a short story longer I will move the clock up to 5 am in the mornin'. I wasn't seeing to well by this time and found myself in the median of the interstate wondering how da heck I got there. I figured I better find my passengers and git us back to the house. I searched all ovah and finally found Zimmi under a table with a half full mugin one hand and a long stemmed yellow rose of Texas in the other. There were two deputies fighting ovah who actually gave her that rose. She was out of it lemme tell you. Iola was behind the bar. Now I will not tell all I saw there since I am now an honorary 'sista'. What happens behind a bar, stays behind a bar. 

So....I rounded them both up...tole them that we gotta find da Elfbane and poured em on my back. They both tried to bring a couple of studdly lookin' guys back with em, but I nixed that!! I told em I was studdly enough for em both. Can you believe it, they laughed! I asked a deputy to point me to El Paso (since everything was kinda a fog) but then he pulled out his breathalizer so I quickly took off. *hop ... hop ... hop ... leap ...* We were off!! My tail was draggin' a bit, but we got in the air. It was dawn and I felt the sun to my back so I figured I must be heading west toward El Paso.

Once in El Paso I had to rely on other instincts besides sight...so I listened real close and smelled a lot. I looked everywhere...finally I decided to check in Juarez to see if he landed there...flying low I passed the border and ..oh my gosh....bullets flew everywhere!! I turned to head back to the border when I heard and smelled the most gosh awful BELCH imaginable!!! "We found da Elfbane!!" I shouted to the girls (who were still out like a light on my back). I swooped down and there he was ...his bottom half in Mexico and top half in the US. I drug him stateside and poured him on my back with the girls and headed back to the guild.

So there you have it. Almost all the dope on our field trip. I was threatened with becoming a bald eagle if I told everything. And you just don't know how hard that is for da Eagle. But one good thing. They bettah be real sweet to me!!!